Feeling Invisible: Why I Left YouTube

hi um it's been a while i've actually forgotten how to film uh i was setting up today and i was like wait what what do i do and then i put way too much makeup on i've worn this much makeup in a long time i don't know if i'm gonna leave this video up or not i know people say that they're like i might delete this and it's kind of kind of click baby or whatever but i might privatize this video i'm not sure this is hard because i'm uploading this and i don't know if anyone's going to see it i don't know the people who do see it are going to understand it so i feel like i almost have to introduce myself i'm i'm sadie this is the makeup chair and i used to upload a lot on this channel and just be online in general to be honest a few years ago i was diagnosed with with an illness i mean i'd already had it my whole life so it wasn't that much of a shock it was kind of relieved to actually get diagnosed but in the last like year or so it's gotten so much harder um and so i had to take time off and i thought about not doing this because i was like i don't think anybody really cares i was thinking that in my head i was like i don't think anybody cares your nade but i'm doing it for two groups of people the first group is the people who have been so supportive i'll talk to them in a second the second group is for the people who have a chronic illness who feel alone and invisible particularly if you have an invisible illness how difficult that is and and i kind of that's why i wanted to do this video originally i just thought i was just going to jump back into just doing tutorials and i want to show you guys i'm cleaning out my makeup room and i wanted to kind of do decluttering videos and all that kind of stuff and i thought oh maybe i should probably talk about why i've been gone and if it makes somebody feel less alone then that that would be great because that's one thing for me is i've been going on tick tock i have a tick tock but i haven't uploaded anything but i've been going on tick tock and i find people who have this a similar issue and similar illnesses and stuff and just hearing them talk it really helps me feel less alone in all of this so i thought i'd do a video kind of talking about like why i've been gone and where i've been gone and the reality of having an illness and trying to live a life the other group of people that i want to do this for is the wonderful people who have been so kind and so loving and supportive and checking in on me i am so sorry i have not got back to you it has been really hard to come online at all at like i haven't been on instagram in the last i don't know how many months i i think i've opened instagram maybe three times i have been avoiding youtube altogether and that's kind of why i haven't replied to anybody and got back to people it's really hard to see people doing what you have always done and love to do that you can't do i guess it's like have you ever like sprained your ankle you know at i don't know basketball training and then you know your team is like in the final you it's hard to watch it's kind of bittersweet you know and that's kind of what it's like for me i i've been kind of avoiding coming online and i know that people have been messaging davey as well who is my angel he's he's amazing and so he's kind of been letting me know what's being said and and i appreciate it so much never expected that and i i i really appreciate it oh we're getting real real so thank you for the people who have been still contacting me and still watching and supporting and checking in on me and thank you for not putting any pressure on me you've been so kind that you've been like we'll be here whenever just make sure you're okay and i feel honored and very blessed that anybody cares that much and and the thing is i also want to say is i've really even been talking to my friends i i've been kind of avoiding going online or avoiding my phone it's not good i'm kind of getting back into it now i'm like okay i need to actually communicate with people and and talk to people but it's just it's been real hard my illness got really bad and i had to make the decision to take some time off it sounds like really dramatic and stuff but i want to explain the whole role that that working and stuff plays in in your life people take it for granted and tteven hate work and i have days when i don't like my job as well but being able to be independent and work is so it should never be taken for granted because not being able to do it has just been so difficult and i know there's so many people at the moment who've really you know their jobs been taken away from them with everything that's gone on thaven't been able to do the thing that tlove and even the musicians like davey's a musician luckily he's able you know he's slowly starting to pick up and he's able to gig again but having that that thing that makes you who you are doesn't necessarily have to define you but but anything that you do that being taken away from you out of your own control is so difficult i've been so angry and upset and frustrated at the fact that there's so much i haven't been able to do and i don't want to sit here and complain i actually just want to explain what it's like and i know that i'm like i'm all glam and people people don't see it and so i feel so i feel invisible in the world because i can't do stuff but then i also i feel invisible in in in in the fact that people don't know ttdon't look at me and tdon't realize how much i am trying so hard and that's the thing with if i think of it invisible illnesses people go well tdon't look sick tlook fine tlook okay to i think she's just exaggerating and that's been my biggest fear is that anybody would think that i was exaggerating all i want to do is just live a normal life and do normal things i went to the supermarket two days in a row because i forgot something and it was really hard i was absolutely exhausted and sick afterwards just for going to supermarket twice and i'm not crying about that i'm crying about the fact that like these are simple things that we all and i used to take for granted that i used to be able to do that i'm really struggling to be able to do i lost such a independence in myself and as you lose that was so hard to rely on anybody i don't even like somebody making me toast even though davey makes very good toast he butters right to the edge and it's it's delicious usually i'm so lazy i just like put butter on in the middle and just it'll spread itself but he like does it like perfectly but yeah again i don't like people doing anything for me i like being independent i like doing stuff and it's been so hard to say actually i need help and i think one of the hardest things was losing the ability to work and you know create videos that's been one of the hardest things because that's all me and so people have been able to help me in like different aspects but th